A NOVEL: DIARY OF AN ENGLISHSAURUS PART 4

WARNING: THIS MAY CONTAIN (🌳)GGERS WHICH MAY BE HARMFUL TO SOME. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. GRAMMATICAL ERRORS A HEAD.

A STRUGGLE OF AN ENGLISHSAURUS WHO TRIED TO RUN FOR AN SK KAGAWAD

Sept. 3 to 9, 2023

I think I manifested too much bad luck. This week, I experienced a severe stomach ache without knowing what I had done, or eaten to experience such a thing. 

September 7, 2023

The verdict had come to a realization that I am not feeling well this day, yet I drank a soda while on the bus. After several discussions of my stomach and brain, I threw up. Yes, inside the bus without a plastic bag or anything that could at least help me. I was so dumbfounded after that, that all I could say to the guy beside me was “Sorry”. 

Sept. 8, 2023

We were scheduled to head to Alaminos, Pangasinan to get registered in the BIR for the incoming Election. I am running for SK Kagawad, by the way. We had a nice trip. Everything went well. We headed to Alaminos at 7PM and safely arrived there at almost 9PM. People continued coming from then, and falling to sleep became harder. I can't eat properly. BIR will open at 8AM but we have to line accordingly before it starts. But due to unforeseen circumstances, before the clock tick at 12 noon I experienced an attack, or so did the medic and the people who already experienced the thing said. But that won't happen if only I did enough sleep, and have eaten diligently, and without the help of (3)ggering by the people at my back.

So what happened is...

Maybe I was too much when I stated what they were doing [the people behind me], which is NOT FOLLOWING THE GUIDELINES. Well, all I said was,

“Oh? Babanggitin naman pala name individually bakit pa sila nakiki-pagsiksikan?” and “Ate, iyong line ninyo nawala na po. Marami ng sumiksik”.

I wouldn't also lie, my eyes and face can be so mean and snobbish. But that's all.

Then, my party lists members [Kuya Joemark, Paul, Monif, Ian, and also Uncle Sandy] didn't also follow the guidelines. They are telling me to go with them, but I stand on my ground and didn't follow them. Kasi sinita ko yung iba and ako rin naman pala gagawa? But the thing is, those who are in front of me are not also following the guidelines. Then suddenly , someone from the other Brgy. started to throw some shady things on me. At first, I can still tolerate them. I also gave them the benefits of the doubt. Sobrang babaw naman kasi talaga.

The gay friend they have started to rumble things. But don't get me wrong, I support LBGTQ+ and I have no bad or ill feelings towards them. That gay, started to throw shades towards me. How did I know? I got a feeling. 

That gay started to shout and say some uncomfy things.

So there's this tent kasi, there's a two tent kung saan kami naka-line. Then dahil rainy season, may naipon na tubig there. Then the gay said something like this, “Kapag ba inano natin 'to [Parang pag tinusok or pag ginalaw], bubuhos kaya yung tubig? Syempre sakanya dederetso” Then he and his friends laughed. As if it's really a funny thing. How did I know it was me they were referring to? I was the only person who was standing under that particular part of that tent. So I just looked at them, the gay in particular. I don't want to fight or waste my saliva over a cat fight. So I stared at him then turned my back again, 'cause again, I don't want a fight most especially if I know I really can't.

Ayokong makipag-away, 'cause knowing myself too. I will just cry and I won't be able to composed a proper sentence nor to think rationally. But well, everyone who really knows me, knows that I cry easily. I know for a fact, I'm not that kind nor that kind of person that always smile. The fact that I don't have enough sleep, I didn't have a proper meal, and I'm getting stressed because of the humidity, I just couldn't bring myself to smile.  In fact, hindi naman kasi talaga ako mabait, masungit naman talaga ako, mainitin pa ang ulo, lalo na pag iniistorbo o bagong gising. If I want kaya kung magsungit at manahimik na lang.

But I guess, being sleep deprived, with no proper meal, and a stressed Kate cannot be combined together.

But as if those things have never been combined together in my entire life. I've had worse.

So, back to the MAIN topic. I thought after kong lumingon, mananahimik na siya, but no. He got even worse and even his friends, even the gay from the other brgy. joined maybe because isa sa mga kasama ko ay nasita rin siya from the start kaya nakiinis inis din siya at nakitawa. 

The tent thing was not the first thing they said, if I'm not mistaken, there's more. But I couldn't bring myself to remember everything. Then after that, he started screaming then they will all laugh together then after that is the tent thing. Then, after that they throw some shady things about me. Something like, smile naman daw and huwag laging naka- busangot kasi baka lalong pumangit? and tumanda? (i'm putting question marks 'cause hindi ko naman kayang i- state yung exact words na sinabi nila, but these are the few things i remember), they also said something about my height. Actually, I can tolerate these things naman e. Like sobrang babaw, but maybe the thought na rin na I'm being gang up and no one knows about it but them? feels like sh1t actually.

Hindi pa doon natapos kasi may mga sinabi pa sila, like about me running for sk. Like I'm too stressed daw pero hindi pa naman daw nananalo? I couldn't remember the whole thing they've said. That's when I also realized na, “O, wow. I'm really running for sk kagawad huh. This thing s*cks.” After that they went silent so I thought finished na sila. So akala ko rin makakahinga na me maluwag. But I was wrong. Bigla silang tumawa. So I was like, “Oh, no. There's something wrong.” I became so anxious. Pinakiramdaman ko buong katawan ko during that time, as well as my surroundings. That's when I feel the tip of an umbrella hitting me, and messing with my hair. 

I tried to calm down. Then, I heard them laugh and giggle louder. So I tried to message my friend. The exact message was, “May load ka ba?” coz I planned to call her, talk to her or whatever. I just want to be occupied at that moment so I can unheard the people taunting me. But my hands started to shake and my tears began to flow endlessly. I tried to stop my tears and calm myself. I even felt someone went beside me and asked me if I'm okay [ If I'm not mistaken it's the same girl who asked if she can shade in my umbrella noong medyo maayos pa yung line, I also feel bad kasi I'm not really welcoming to her noong una and I wasn't talkative na kasi inaantok and mainit, but I think she understands naman ]. I think she noticed what was going on [me getting gang up] so she went beside me but that's when my breathing became harder and heavier.

That's when I also heard iyong mga kasama ko calling me, asking what happened, and anong nangyari. Lumapit na rin si Uncle Domingo Unay [ Sandy ] sa akin, asking bat ako umiiyak and anong nangyari. During that time hindi ko na rin makuhang huminahon kasi yung paghinga ko nag iiba na. I want to stop kasi I'm already causing a commotion and it's embarrassing. Umiiyak ako sa sobrang babaw na dahilan. O well, that's what I thought. Then akala nila nahihilo lang ako or what kaya hindi ako makahinga, so uncle sandy helped me na magpunta sa mas maluwang na part and kunti lang tao. Then pinaupo nila ako. But dmn, man. I never had in my wildest dream, did I expect what happened next. 

I can't breathe properly, I was closing my eyes so tight 'cuz the world started to swirl and get dark. But what made me cry harder and made me panic was I can't move my legs and hands. My stomach tightened. Sobrang nanigas yung kamay ko at yung paa ko. They had to remove my shoes and my long sleeves, someone had to massage my hands, my foot, and my back. I can't breathe so someone also started to fan me. But I can't stop crying because at that moment the only word I can say was, “Hindi ko maigalaw kamay at paa ko” that was the first and last before I can no longer speak, and all I can do is shake my head and nod when being asked.

It was so terrible. That happened for more than a minute, and it's getting even worse that they had to call for a medic. I couldn't walk nor open my eyes so they carried me to put inside the ambulance. The two medic helped me calm down, they also checked and asked a few questions. They said assuring words.

“You are okay. There's nothing wrong with you.”

“You will get through this.”

“You are entering politics. Pasok sa right ng tenga ang sinasabi nila, then labas sa left. You are young, you should be ready.”

“We're here now. Calm down. You can do it.”

Trust me, It work. After they checked my BP, of course, and after a lot of inhale exhale. It also helps that Uncle Sandy never left my side. He bought me something to eat, and helped me eat, because again, my limbs are not working and I can't open my eyes. 

I stayed inside the ambulance for more than fifteen minutes. It was a battle between “I can do this” and “What just happened?”. As much as I would like to think it happened because I am sleep deprived and I didn't get a proper meal, I don't like to overlook or to unheard the fact that it might be because of A attack.

I've been sleep deprived and never had this thing happen to me. I always had a proper meal even tho people kept asking if I was still eating. That day, I just don't have the feeling to eat but before going on our trip I had enough food. We also ate a lot of snacks. We had a lot of food during that trip. We were offered, it's just that I feel so full I don't want to eat. 

But the lesson of my story is, aside from sleeping and eating on time, you have to always watch your words. I wouldn't turn my eyes close. I won't like to play the victim here and put all the bad things on them. I had my fair share of mistakes. Maybe, It's also my fault that maybe they did that. What I have said is all based on what I've experienced, felt, and heard. 

I would also like to take this opportunity to raise awareness regarding what happened to me. Anxi=ty or not. Everyone should be watchful to every word they would utter. Kung sa inyo nakakatuwa, sa iba maaaring sobrang bigat na at masakit, or even tho, it's not, it can always be the cause for the (A) to attack. I won't wash my hands and gain sympathy. I know, without knowing, I can also be one of those people. I can also be irritated and irrational. I can be one of them, laughing, and making fun of others. At some point, I thought that maybe this is a payoff of the bad things I've done to others. Never have I ever thought, I have to experience that before realizing everything.

At some point, experiencing that around a lot of people is kinda embarrassing but at the same time I would like to call myself lucky. I can't think what will happen if I'm alone. 

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the people who helped me during that time. To uncle sandy, thank you for helping and staying beside me. The girl and her friend who immediately went beside me to asked me if I'm okay, and massage my back and hands. Thank you. To the people who helped me that time. Thank you. Sa dalawang medics din, sobrang helpful po. Syempre, sa mga kasama ko hindi man sila nakalapit that time. I know how worried you guys are. It feels so warm yet I feel so bad when you start to always check if nasa likod pa rin ba ninyo ako. Nabigyan ko ata kayo ng sakit ng ulo lol. As much as I would like to thank all the people who helped me that time, I'm afraid I can't because some people may think this thing involves politics, and I just want to be sympathize. People's minds can sometimes be twisted anyway.

Again, let us all be mindful of the words we utter and how we behaved. Making fun of others is also not a cool thing. This is not a drill. I won't lie and post just to gain sympathy. Yes, I'm talkative. I can be an open book because that's how I expressed myself. That's the only way I think I can express myself. I also always share my stories, because I felt like I have to.

Because I want others to learn that it's not too late, too late to be kind, to be better, to be thankful, and take the opportunity they have. Because I wasn't able to. I share my stories because that's the only way I can warn others, that's the only thing I can do to help them not go through the same thing I have. The path I'm walking right now. 

But I'm not perfect, I've already invalidated a lot of people's feelings and experienced just because I had worse. Which is wrong and very toxi-- of me. 

Again, this is not a drill. I won't post lies especially if this involves my condition. I am not posting this because I would like to be sympathized. I am sharing this to raise awareness. To remind everyone that anxi--- is not a joke. It really does exist. 

To the people out there who are experiencing, and had experience (A) attack. Fear not. You are fine, there's nothing wrong about you. You are fine. You are loved. You can get through this. You are strong. It's not something to be ashamed of. But (a) attack is not also something to be used to flex. It is a serious matter that shouldn't be taken lightly. Again, this is not a drill. 

Please, always check on your friends, family, and kakilala's. I know, I'm not always doing the same but believe me, when I can I will. If sometimes I can't give the same energy and the attention you give me when we are having conversations, trust me, I do. I just don't know how to properly give it back. I also once failed to understand someone, and I regretted invalidating what they have felt and made things even worse.

I remember one of our professors in first year said, “People have different levels of tolerance. So are our pain tolerances. Kung para sa atin ay maliit na bagay lang 'yon, para sa iba ay hindi. Kung para sa atin yung problema ng taong 'yon ay mababaw lang at mas malala yung atin just because we went through something more painful ay ibig sabihin we can invalidate others feeling na is very WRONG. Kahit pa mas masakit naranasan natin sa iba, we can never invalidate theirs.” Not the exact words but close to it.

Again, there's nothing wrong in reaching out to others. There's nothing wrong If you ask for help. Choose the perfect person tho, and as much as possible someone who has knowledge about it. Someone professional. Not just some people who diagnose others just based on what they've read and share in socmed's. There are a lot of hotlines out there. 

Again, this is not a drill. Anxiet- is real.